This week, several colleagues and I attended a (very smart and accomplished) colleague’s webinar, and it did not go quite as expected. I have been in this situation before, grateful for the support, nervous about all the information to cover, desirous of doing a really good job, and of getting some clients and referrals. It can be overwhelming thinking of all the things we’re trying to balance. As a result, when I was in this situation (like others) I lost my authentic, relaxed confidence, that confidence that creates dialogue and connection. I did not let the conversations flow, had moments of nervous laughter, some overly-solicitous “yes, great point” or “tell us more” comments. Unfortunately, I came across as controlling, disassociated from my group, and a bit know-it-all. Don’t get me wrong, there’s a need for guiding the meeting and presentation, and for affirming when we invite participation. My colleague wasn’t as extreme as I was, but it reminded me of those experiences and of a lesson I am working to put in place.
Behavior awareness and change
If your goals are teaching, relationship or coalition building, or persuasion, be calmly confident — relaxed, trusting, guiding, open minded– in your presence, thoughts/feelings, and reactions. I find that loosening my grip makes it much easier, more fun for me and those around me (in work or personal life). And counter-intuitively, I actually make fewer mistakes. Guiding folks through your thoughts and tools, then (and this is key!) pausing and listening to their comments and questions, creates much more interaction, energy, retention… and enjoyment. We are all doing the best we can, everyone wants the presenter to do well, and participation increases the energy and information retention.
Being present, being confident, and not convinced and controlling leads me from😬 to😄).
So, how to get to authentic confidence? There are several paths you can take. I take a few deep breaths, to slow down my racing thoughts. Then, I try to name the sensations I am feeling and where I feel them. For example, hmm, I am feeling nervous and sense my shoulders and throat are tense, and my mind is racing. Ok, how do I get to my sage mind, my inner-jedi-warrior? to my aware and present mind? To my thoughtful and aware (vs fearful) mind? Take some deep, slow breaths —
- breathing in calm and focus, hold,
- breathing out anxiety and stress, hold,
- breathing in confidence and joy, hold,
- breathing out judgement and fear, hold
- … and repeat.
- This is deceptively simple, yet deep breathing and words are powerful.
How do you return to authentic confidence?