I was not actively running from myself. I just never took the time to discern who I am. I took pride in being laid back, and going with the flow. But… it opened me up to all sorts of abuse. So, I’ll start my story from there.
I was a free spirit who wanted so much to find my place. In college, I met someone. My heart didn’t want to settle so I broke it off during the summer break. We hadn’t experienced much together and I had just had a miscarriage, which left a gaping hole in me. I was an expert at pushing away my feelings, so I did it again. And I pushed him away.
He left me alone, and I thought it was truly over. But the next semester, he kept insisting on talking to me, on seeing me. I didn’t want to see him, so I locked my suite door and put on my headphones, so I couldn’t hear him knocking on the door, insisting that I open.
He eventually stopped knocking and yelling, but I could hear him working on the door knob. He broke in, and he didn’t want to talk. I kept saying, “I just want to be left alone”, but he just kept going. And then he left my suite.
I ended up marrying him. He later said he had come to my room in college because he couldn’t leave me alone. He couldn’t let me go. I wasn’t aware of my boundaries, let aloned how to enforce them and protect myself. And, when I was uneasily aware … I didn’t take action. I thought I was loved. But, I know now, it’s important to keep your boundaries, and impose consequences for when they are broken.
I left that abusive relationship. Took my kids and tried my best to keep going. It was tough, especially financially. But so much weight was lifted off my shoulders. I hadn’t realized how I had been living with a constant, impending sense of doom. With that gone, facing the troubles in my life, like having too little money to pay all my bills, buy enough food, clothes and other necessities felt like nothing. I think I was just glad to finally have problems I could name. It was no longer the “what if”– what if I leave and I am unable to provide for my kids? What if I get deported? What if? what if? I had become so used to the psychological abuse, I was fighting invisible monsters that kept me in place. I restricted myself based on my internalized senses of fear, obligation and guilt.
Therapy helped. I started to see abuse for what it was. My other realization and challenge was that I was a people pleaser.
I dreamed of being a well-known, communal architect who did high-paying, meaningful projects, but I couldn’t even afford to register for my ARE (Architecture License exam), after studying for months. I had two jobs, and realized one had a toxic work environment. I tried to assert myself more at work with both jobs, and it didn’t go very well. So, I left both jobs and turned to building an online business. But the pandemic started shortly after, and my business just didn’t take off. I got so much advice to do this or that with my business, but I’ve learned there is a huge difference between being open to listening, and just going with the flow. Dead fish flow with the current.
So I continue to pursue what I truly love doing. It might not be a six-figure business, but I have turned my tragedy to triumph, combining coaching and design. I have earned my Abuse Recovery Coach certification. I love design, and am now a Joyful Interior Space Coach, helping survivors of abuse and dysfunction transform their external environments into healing, joyful spaces, which helps accelerate their recovery and self-development. Like me, you can experience growth after trauma, and can redefine your dreams. I also realized that problems start when we don’t define who we are, don’t connect to our why, when we don’t find our purpose in this world. And after going through the process myself, I became a coach to people becoming their True-Self ™.
As I love to say, “Life isn’t about finding yourself, life is about creating yourself.” Until recently, I never stopped to think about who I am. I didn’t realize all the things I was running from. I was not a good friend to myself. Now I’m becoming, and I am surprisingly happier with less. My kids don’t quite get it, but will. Our community has supported us generously, especially in our toughest times. And I want to pay it forward, give back, build community… and slowly but surely I am getting there. I know that sharing our stories is powerful, no matter how mild and uneventful they might seem, so I started “Share Your Story” T-shirt Club. My story of resilience is not about overcoming adversity and coming out “successful”… it’s a story about finally facing myself and who I am and becoming joyful.
Story of Yvette Oloo – Kenyan-American, True Self and Joyful Interior Space Coach, Author, Thriving Mom . Edited by Experience to Resilience